Attempts at Rationalization
Whether facing sex addiction, betrayal trauma, grief, drug/alcohol addiction, or any number of mental health issues and life issues, one of the common issues is rationalization. Sex addicts rationalize that it really is not hurting anyone. The betrayed loved ones of addicts who have been unfaithful rationalize away their feelings of hurt. It is a powerful tool and it is used as a defense mechanism to hide from a truth we usually already know.
In reality, we are NOT really thinking rationally about these things! What we are actually doing is trying to make an irrational thought or behavior appear rational and therefore useful, beneficial, and effective. Usually, I have my clients ask themselves whether or not this thinking/believing has evidence to support it, whether it is helping or hurting, and whether or not it matches life experience. Usually in this “debating” process, clients begin to see how they have tricked themselves into believing their irrational thinking is actually rational thinking.
Sometimes rationalizing is simply an intellectualized way of making excuses. We are trying to excuse some kind of behavior and we especially are trying to excuse the consequences of that behavior. So, what can be done about it? While this isn't a simple recipe, these are some of the top tips to confronting your rationalizations.
Start by compiling a list of problems.
List all of the attempts of rationalizing these problems - the list of excuses.
Admit the power those rationalizations have had in your life.
If you are in recovery, start this process early and repeat it often.
Ask yourself if it is hurting you or helping you
Ask what the perceived payoff is for rationalizing these behaviors
REMEMBER...if you are in recovery from an sex addiction or you are dealing with betrayal trauma, the power of rationalization has been at work for some time so you very well may need to return to this exercise multiple times as you become aware of new rationalizatons.
Unfortunately, I hear rationalizations most from my faith based clients. They attempt to rationalize damaging behavior by cherry picking verses from the Bible while grossly overlooking many others. But, in almost every one of these circumstances, the client knows he/she is rationalizing and, if willing to go through the steps above, can be free from the entanglement of these false ratioinalizations.
Rationalization is a powerful tool, and if it is not fully considered, it can be an anchor that pulls us down and keeps us in unhelpful thoughts, behaviors, emotions. It can even cause negative physical consequences too!
Recognition and understanding that “I’m fooling myself and here’s how” is an invaluable tool to combat these false rationalizations.
When I have clients take the time to evaluate their excuses, the ways they rationalize, I have almost always seen enormous progress. I have seen them begin to realize the ways they were lying to themselves and keeping themselves from becoming who they wanted to be. That’s why I use this with almost every client and believe strongly that it contributes to their success.