FANOS: A daily check-in process that is easy and structured

FANOS is something that my wife and I have used for years to help us spend just a few minutes to connect at the end of the day. Almost always when we have friction between us, we have not done the FANOS in a few days so no wonder there is friction! We have not been doing the basics of connection. FANOS was developed by Debra Laaser and many have found very helpful as a way to reconnect at the end of the day and stay connected throughout the week. FANOS is an acronym derived from a Greek word meaning “enlighten” or “spotlight” and that is exactly what this structured check-in is designed to do. We enlighten each other to our inner world, the parts of our minds and hearts that are not seen on the outside, and the more we do that, the more we can find the acceptance and love we seek. I often have my clients - and this is clients that come to me for all kinds of problems, not just addiction - tell me about a current issue that could be easily resolved by consistent practicing of FANOS. Let’s look at some of the specifics, a few pointers, and then look at an example FANOS. Ready?

Here is a quick look at what FANOS is. Each letter is an aspect of your inner life that you will share with your significant other.

• F​eelings: Share an emotion you experienced today. Use the list of Soul Words or The Feelings Wheel (feelingswheel.com) at first as you get more of an emotional vocabulary.

• Appreciation: Tell him/her something you appreciate that he/she has done today. This is “I appreciated it when you _____.”

• Needs: Tell your partner something you need from him/her. This could be a need you just recognized or one you have mentioned before that still has not been met. Don’t skip this one. Sometimes you may have to think for a minute before you can verbalize what you need. Talk about something you need from your spouse, NOT something you need to do yourself.

• O​wnership: What have you done wrong that you need to take ownership of? This can be one of the most healing and connecting poiints.

• S​uccess: Say what you have done today for your success in some area of your life. Pick one area you are working toward increased success and give an update on that same area for a sustained amount of days. It can be any number of things. Some examples are your sobriety date, recovery work, your diet, exercise, self-care, affirmations, letting others encourage you, raging, perfectionism, criticizing, compulsively checking up on your partner, defensiveness, or . If you are an addict, you need to be focusing on sobriety and recovery work.

Here is an example FANOS:

• F​eelings: Part of me felt excited about my meeting with our child’s teacher today. Part of me felt overwhelmed by trying to balance work and the kids’ schedule. I feel determined to finish the project in the yard this weekend. I felt relaxed today when we were watching a movie together.

• A​ppreciation: I appreciate that you took out the trash like you said you would. Thank you for putting gas in the car and always keeping the car fueled.

• N​eeds: I need for us to have more time together like the time we spent on the couch tonight watching the movie together. I need you to out your work schedule for the week on the refrigerator.

• O​wnership: I own that I did speak angrily to you when you asked me to go to the store. You did not deserve that and I apologize for that.

• S​truggles/​S​obriety: I felt a tug to be defensive today when you told me that you wanted me to do the laundry but I checked myself at the time. I utilized a breathing practice my therapist taught me. I had my morning time of prayer and meditation or I skipped my time of prayer and meditation this morning so Im going to do that after we finish the FANOS. I am sober today. I talked to my sponsor today. I attended. a recovery meeting today ant the topic was gratitude. I had two check in calls with my accountability team.

Pro Tips For Sharing FANOS

• No feedback or replies at all. Simply listen to each other and take it in. know that the goal of this exercise is to build intimacy and restore trust.

• Create safety while connecting and being accountable.

• One person goes through the entire FANOS and then the other person goes through the entire FANOS.

• If you want to respond to something your partner said in his/her FANOS, wait until the next day. Actually, responding the next day can be a good sign that you were listening, you have been thinking about it, and you care about what was shared.

FANOS should be a short exercise - only about two or three minutes. You do have time to do this! I don’t care how tired you think you are, you have four minutes to connect with your significant other.