What Is Infidelity? A Guide To Better Understanding
While infidelity may seem straightforward we are often asked, what is infidelity? Infidelity is essentially about not being faithful to a commitment, living a dishonest life, and hurting someone who counted on your honesty and faithfulness.
What does infidelity mean in a relationship?
Simply put, infidelity is a lack of faithfulness. In a relationship, and this can be true for any kind of relationship, people have made certain commitments to each other and each person expects the other to stay faithful and true to those commitments. Infidelity in a significant relationship can be any kind of breaking of the commitments that were made but these are usually commitments that are sexual, financial, and/or emotional. The emotional ones can be flirting, private jokes, texting, and sexting of others like coworkers, mutual friends, and past partners. It is infidelity when those actions are hidden from your spouse and kept in secrecy and privacy. For some, sexual infidelity can take the form of another partner but for many, it is interaction with a sexual business such as adult theaters, strip clubs, massage parlors, and/or online pornography. So, the infidelity may involve someone else, or it may not. We hear many times that infidelity with pornography can be even more hurtful because of the frequency and availability. The betrayed feels like he or she has to compete with countless numbers of available sexual stimulation always available. Ultimately, infidelity is putting another relationship before your primary relationship - like making your wife second fiddle.
Why does infidelity hurt so much?
Infidelity hurts not only the one who was tricked and lied to but it also hurts the one who held the lie. Infidelity creates complex trauma because of the intimacy of the betrayal. This was someone you were counting on to keep a commitment and when betrayal and lies are that close to home, the pain runs deep. If you are the betrayed partner, you probably have a lot of questioning of yourself, your self-worth, and your self-security. How could I have not seen this? How could I have been so stupid? Am I not good enough? These are all questions you are probably asking yourself and there are no easy answers. Not having an answer to a question, especially a question of your self-worth and personal security causes mental and emotional angst which can also cause physical symptoms such as sleeplessness, racing heart, elevated blood pressure, loss of appetite, and lethargy. If you are a betrayed partner, you may be feeling any or all of these forms of angst. That is a perfectly normal reaction to betrayal and part of what is now known as betrayal trauma. If you are the one who has been living the double life, you are probably feeling a good deal of pain too due to the anxiety, shame, and energy it takes to keep all of the plates spinning.
When someone has been living a secret life where their affections have been given to someone else, this brings about a split in loyalty. If you were the betrayed partner, you wonder if you can ever trust this person to be loyal again or if you even deserve to have someone be loyal to you. You may even be wondering what you could have done to make your partner have been loyal to you like had been promised. Whether this loyalty was broken by an emotional or physical relationship with someone at work, physical encounters with strangers in one-night stands, internet pornography, or internet chats, the pain is usually very intense and you may even wonder if you are justified to be in such pain. Hear this, you are justified to be in such pain. This is a painful discovery and the pain does not go away quickly. This is an intimate betrayal. All betrayal hurts and the more intimate the betrayal, the more painful it will be.
Both of you are in pain and uncertainty but you do not have to continue living in this life of pain. Neither of you do. You have been harmed by infidelity and, while the path ahead may be difficult, it can lead to a place of healing.
What is the main reason for infidelity?
The reason why your partner was not faithful to you can be very complicated. This is one of the reasons why we always recommend that each person in the relationship begin their individual therapy. Some of the reasons include the following:
Lack of coping skills - Everybody needs coping skills but some people find sex as an immediate way to cope with the stressors of life. They are unable to live life on life’s terms and they are seeking to numb out.
Inability to handle intimacy - While this one may be somewhat confusing, not everyone who is in a relationship is ready for it.
Learned behavior patterns - Many times family, community, and culture gave lessons that made infidelity look like a viable option.
An addiction - Much like other addictions (alcohol, gambling, compulsive overeating) some people turn to sex and infidelity.
Trauma - Some experts would say that all addictions are rooted in some trauma. Many do not even realize the trauma and neglect that happened to them as a child but they are acting and behaving today out of that trauma and hurting others in the process. Many of my clients have some type of trauma that needs therapy
How long does a marriage last after infidelity?
In a study published by the American Psychological Association in 2014, they found that when the infidelity is revealed and the couple engages in therapy, the divorce rate is only 20% higher than the divorce rate of couples without infidelity that enter counseling. The researchers even go so far as to say that “many revealed infidelity couples were able to sustain the gains made during treatment and preserve the integrity of the relationship.” In conclusion, they said, “Infidelity is a pervasive problem in American marriages, and it can have devastating effects at the individual, relationship, and societal level. However, infidelity does not have to be the end of the relationship. It is clear that couples are able to work through infidelity, restore their relationship, and enjoy a stable and satisfying marital relationship.”
How to get over infidelity?
So what do you do if you are the one who has betrayed your spouse through infidelity? Start with booking a session with a counselor. At Hope House, our process will help you prepare to take some of the next steps if you are ready to get honest and repair the damage that has been done.
First, we will process what happened and the surface reasons why you broke your promises to be faithful to your spouse. Was it compulsive behavior? Is there some other mental health issue underlying this behavior? This is good for you to know so you can know where to focus your efforts moving forward from here.
Second, we will discuss what you want to do moving forward with your commitment to this relationship. At Hope House, we do not make that decision for you but we help you think through the options so you can feel confident that you have counted the cost and weighed out the consequences of your next decisions and actions.
Third, we will make a plan to help you move forward with whatever decision you make but if you want to move forward with your primary relationship, studies suggest that revealing infidelity and doing so in the proper way, is part of the process. We will make a plan of how you can disclose that information and make a plan for a formal therapeutic disclosure if the two of you want to continue with the relationship.
What if you are the one who has been betrayed? If you are the one who has been cheated on, you are probably experiencing betrayal trauma. After continued understanding of partners going through infidelity and understanding the mental, emotional, and physical results of living with that betrayal, we have seen all of the criteria of someone who is experiencing post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Betrayal trauma is PTSD that involves the presence of the death of a relationship along with the lies and crazy-making of denial and gaslighting. Here are a few of the steps we will take as we begin this process.
First, we will assess for betrayal trauma and PTSD symptoms using an assessment from the International Institute of Trauma and Addiction Professionals. This assessment gives us an idea of the main symptoms you are dealing with and what triggers those symptoms. We can begin to develop a very specific plan of action to help you regain a sense of stability, deal with the intrusive thoughts that are bothering you, and minimize the impact of the negative messages that are swirling in your head. Some depression, anxiety, feelings of rage, hopelessness, and/or uncertainty are common after discovering your significant other’s behavior.
Second, we will develop a treatment plan to help you move forward toward the things that are most important to you immediately.
Third, we will help you determine your boundaries, under what conditions you will continue with this relationship, and give you other tools and skills from the Thirty Task Model developed by the International Institute of Trauma and Addiction Professionals. We will do this in individual and group work.
For an initial consultation, as an individual or a couple, call our office or request an appointment, and our office manager will help you determine the next step to take in your healing process.
